In a black pocketbook that I fortunately have with me I find, jotted down, here and there, among various extracts that had happened to please me (a foot note from Boswell’s life of Dr. Johnson, the inscriptions on the trees in Wordsmith’s famous avenue, a quotation from St. Augustine, and so on), a few samples of John Shade’s conversation which I had collected in order to refer to them in the presence of people whom my friendship with the poet might interest or annoy. His and my reader will, I trust, excuse me for breaking the orderly course of these comments and letting my illustrious friend speak for himself.
Book reviewers being mentioned, he said: “I have never acknowledge printed praise though sometimes I longed to embrace the glowing image of this or that paragon of discernment; and I have never bothered to lean out of my window and empty my skoramis on some poor hack’s pate. I regard both the demolishment and the rave with like detachment.” Kinbote: “I suppose you dismiss the first as the blabber of a blockhead and the second as a kind soul’s friendly act?” Shade: “Exactly.”
Speaking of the Head of the bloated Russian Department, Prof. Pnin, a regular martinet in regard to his underlings (happily, Prof. Botkin, who taught in another department, was not subordinated the that grotesque “perfectionist”): “How odd that Russian intellectuals should lack all sense of humor when they have such marvelous humorists as Gogol, Dostoevski, Chekhov, Zoshchenko, and those joint authors of genius Ilf and Petrov.”
Talking of the vulgarity of a certain burly acquaintance of ours: “The man is as corny as a cook-out chef apron.” Kinbote (laughing): “Wonderful!”
The subject of teaching Shakespeare at college level having been introduced: “First of all, dismiss ideas, and social background, and train the freshman to shiver, to get drunk on the poetry of Hamlet or Lear, to read with his spine and not with his skull.” Kinbote: “You appreciate particularly the purple passages?” Shade: “Yes, my dear Charles, I roll upon them as a grateful mongrel on a spot of turf fouled by a Great Dane.”
The respective impacts and penetrations of Marxism and Freudism being talked of, I said: “The worst of two false doctrines is always that which is harder to eradicate.” Shade: “No, Charlie, there are simpler criteria: Marxism needs a dictator, and a dictator needs a secret police, and that is the end of the world; but the Freudian, no matter how stupid, can still cast his vote at the poll, even if he is please to call it (smiling) political pollination.”
Of students’ papers: “I am generally very benevolent (said Shade). But there are certain trifles I do not forgive.” Kinbote: “For instance?” “Not having read the required book. Having read it like an idiot. Looking in it for symbols; example: ‘The author uses the striking image green leaves because green is the symbol of happiness and frustration.’ I am also in the habit of lowering a student’s mark catastrophically if he uses ‘simple’ and ‘sincere’ in a commendatory sense; examples: ‘Shelley’s style is always very simple and good’; or ‘Yeats is always sincere.’ This is widespread, and when I hear a critic speaking of an author’s sincerity I know that either the critic or the author is a fool.” Kinbote: “But I am told this manner of thinking is taught in high school?” “That’s where the broom should begin to sweep. A child should have thirty specialists to teach him thirty subjects, and not one harassed schoolmarm to show him a picture of a rice field and tell him this is China because she knows nothing about China, or anything else, and cannot tell the difference between longitude and latitude.” Kinbote: “Yes. I agree.”